Germany Loves Potatoes
by nervous changing of names
Summary: Some people think that Germany loved potatoes /too/ much... Those people didn't know what they were talking about.


Ludwig Beilschmidt was hungry. Sitting in a pile of your own sweat and regrets built up quite an appetite after a while, plus food helped fill the gaping void that the divorce left in his heart. He got up from the pile of dirty, smelly laundry he had been sleeping in for the past 18 hours and sluggishly made his way to his kitchen. He took in the grand sight of his abandoned kithen; the trashcan was overflowing since he didn't have the energy to take it out, unwashed dishes lay everywhere, and every single one of is appliances was covered in a thick film of dust. He vaguely thought about how his past self would want to obsessively clean it up, but he just couldn't find the motivation to do it now.

He'd had a hard time finding the motivation to do anything after the divorce...

Germany pried open his fridge, having to use a little more strength than he usually did, because he hadn't gone to the gym since the divorce either. He had the biceps of a 12 year old boy. At one point he thought about getting really buff to try and win back Italy's attention, but his gym membership was revoked after the incident with the treadmill.

Ludwig peered into the not-so-cool depths of his refrigerator (he hadn't really paid the electrical bill in a while...), looking for something to eat. Did he mention he hadn't been to the grocery store either? He gazed at his bountiful reserves of a jar of pickled eggs and 1 potato. He stared blankly at the food for a few moments before lifelessly grabbing the potato and closing the door. He used to love potatoes! So why did he feel so unenthusiastic?

Germany shoved the medium sized spud into his mediocre battery powered microwave oven and closed the door, setting the timer. He had nothing better to do, so he watched his potato spin around in the heated prison, around and around...

Germany became enticed, watching as the Yukon Gold beauty became softer and softer... Germany could just imagine how the butter would melt all over it, dripping down the sides... Then he'd slice it open, exposing the beautiful golden insides to him... And he'd...

Germany jerked out of his thoughts as the timer he had set beeped. His potato was cooked.

He quickly opened the door and pulled the potato out with his bare hands. The steaming potato burned his hands, and germany moaned, loving the sensation of the searing potato skin melt into his hand. He felt revitalized... Rejuvenated. Like somehow, this potato was brought into his life to bring back the color and luster to his world, to bring him to the light.

He knew what he had to do.

He begrudgingly set down his precious potato as he used his scalded hands to peel off his tight bicycle shorts. He got down on his knees so he could see the potato at eye level.

"I'm gonna eat you potato... Then I'm gonna make you my woman," He rasped, before pausing. "Actually, it's the other way around."

Germany set to work, using his overly large yaoi thumb to make an indentation in the tuber. The potato was cooked so well that the blond man could easily poke a hole into it. Steam swirled out of the opening, covering Germany's face in a thin sheen of condensation. His thumb, still resting in the potato, seared him pleasantly. He shuddered as these sensations brought him to full arousal. Germany forcefully gripped the potato, making sure he had full control over it. He smirked as he brought the potato lower, lower, lower...

Germany had to use his full concentration on his aim. He angled the hole in the potato just right at the head of his penis, and gently slipped it down in one swift but graceful motion.

A potato fleshlight.

Germany groaned in sweet pleasure as he felt the burning hot insides of the potato blister his penis. He used his free hand to grab onto the side of the counter for support as he let the feeling take over his mind and rake his body with wild, unadulterated, passionate pleasure. He thrust roughly into his broiling potato cavern, loving the feeling of the potato insides turning to mush against his badly burned manhood. He felt like this could easily be the best lay in his lifetime.

Germany let all of his emotions and regrets fall away as he lost himself in the potato goodness. He could feel the grainy texture of the starchy potato scrape along his mutilated penis, heightening his pleasure. He could almost imagine him and the potato melding into one in this pure, authentic display of the highest form of lovemaking. The pleasure blinded him as he reached the brink of his sexual gratification. He was in bliss as he reached his orgasm, and came deep inside of his potato lover 5 seconds after he began intercourse with it. He rode out his orgasm a few moments, not wanting the thrill to end. But unfortunately, all things must come to an end.

Germany sat back, panting heavily. He was so happy, but he wasn't quite satisfied yet...

He looked down to see his own cum dripping from the hole he had made. the viscosity of his semen looked so appetizing...

Germany finished his disturbing ritual by shoving the potato into his mouth whole. Like a cobra, he swallowed the salty mess in one swallow, loving how it stretched his esophagus to uncomfortable and harmful limits. He then passed out.

Ludwig Beilschmidt was rushed to the hospital after his neighbor walked in to inquire about sounds of tortured animals coming from the German man's apartment. Ludwig was treated for the severe third degree burns on his hands and genitals. He also had to be on a feeding tube for several weeks as his esophagus recovered from the tension put on it by seemingly the whole potato that was ingested, as the doctor's found out when they did an x-ray. After he was released he suffered heavy medical bills, considering he had no insurance and no job. When asked what his motives were, the man smiled and admitted his motive was a secret, but that it was worth it.


End file.
